


you will not touch them

by allmadeofstardust



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Dissociation, Found Family, Gen, Metafiction, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers for Ep128, character introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:40:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29861697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmadeofstardust/pseuds/allmadeofstardust
Summary: And now Veth was talking about her family and oh, they spoke with Yeza?  They had seen him?  When did that happen?An introspective look of Caleb's feelings during Ep. 128.
Relationships: The Mighty Nein & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 5
Kudos: 73





	you will not touch them

**Author's Note:**

> okay y'all i was DYING during this episode, just straight up panicking the entire way through, but the whole time I was just keeping my eyes on Liam bc Caleb was straight up not having a good time and as you know I eat that shit up for breakfast.  
> so I desperately needed to lay my thoughts out SOMEHOW and this ended up being the way.  
> MAJOR spoilers for Ep. 128, if that wasn't obvious.

_ You will not touch them. _

It was the first and only thought in Caleb’s head, the moment he saw him, towering above them on the stairs. He wouldn’t get near them, wouldn’t touch them, wouldn’t hurt them. He was going to make sure of it or die trying.

And as each of his spells failed, fizzling before his eyes as Trent waved a hand as if swatting a fly, he began to think that dying was a real possibility. Then he almost wanted to laugh, for he wasn’t going to die. He would always be useful to Trent, no matter what state he was in. He would break him down and build him up into what he wanted.

Jester and Veth, however. They were collateral damage. Or worse, they were bargaining chips.

Caleb took a protective step back, gripping onto them tightly, unsure how he would protect them, what he could do, but he wasn’t going to let Trent  _ touch _ them. He refused.

When he felt Jester’s gentle magic surrounding him, carrying with it the sweet smell of peppermint and blueberry cupcakes, he had a glimmer of hope. And when he saw Trent raise his hand again, Caleb narrowed his eyes and lifted his own.

_ You will not touch her _ he seethed, and cast the spell.

Trent wasn’t surprised. That was the worst part. Caleb could see it in his eyes, could see the almost sickening look of  _ pride _ .

“You taught me well,” he choked out, unsure if his voice was even audible, it cracked so much. But he never saw Trent’s reaction, for suddenly there was the smell of the sea and the sound of waves and they were  _ safe, _ they were okay.

But they weren’t. Because even as he hugged them, himself shaking terribly, murmuring nonsense words of thanks and apologies, Trent’s voice was back in his mind, as if he had never left that tiny basement cell. Caleb spat back at him, tried to force him away, but he kept coming, just like his lessons, over and over, and he wouldn’t stop, and the next thing Caleb knew he was being supported on both sides by Veth and Jester, and the Nein were there (when did the Nein get here?) and Fjord was talking. He pointed at the ceiling, and Caleb could sense the scrying orb like it was a part of his own skin.

He dispelled it like it was nothing -  _ you will not touch them -  _ and he mentally took a tally. He was exhausted, depleted, completely useless. And now the Nein were moving, and he went with them willingly, for they were safe, they were comforting, despite the ringing in his ears where Trent had been.

He gripped Veth’s hand almost absent-mindedly. He wasn’t even sure where they were going, only that there was a beach, and then there was a beach, and that didn’t take long did it? And now Veth was talking about her family and oh, they spoke with Yeza? They had seen him? When did that happen?

He struggled to take off his shoes, and panicked at his weakness, until Yasha kindly and silently helped him, and the sand was between his toes, and he stared up at the buildings of Nicodranas, his heart still racing, because it wouldn’t be long now. Trent would find them.

He always found them.

_ You will not touch them. _

He was staring out into nothingness, trying to remember how to breathe, when Veth showed him the crystals, and he was no longer in Nicodranas. He was back in Trent’s tower, being experimented on, the scars on his arms opening back up, bleeding, the things being forced in, and Yasha was asking him a question and he answered automatically, woodenly, because he wasn’t  _ there _ , not all of him, but he still felt the need to educate his friends.

He pleaded with them to keep the crystals away from him.

_ You will not touch me. _

Then he blinked, and he was at the Chateau. He didn’t remember walking there.

It was Luc’s bright face that made him do it. Made him put on the cheery demeanour, made him offer the books. He spoke the same words that Trent had done, all those years ago, but this time it would be different. This time, this boy would grow into a bright future.

_ You will not touch him _ .

The mask dropped almost as soon as it had manifested, and as Veth hugged her family, Caleb stepped aside, thinking of Trent, how he wouldn’t hesitate to tear this group apart, and he was putting them in danger, and oh gods, he was putting them in harm’s way, and he needed to get  _ out _ he needed to - 

Eodwulf and Astrid were there (when did they get here?) and he didn’t have time to comprehend their sacrifice because Trent was here, he’d followed them, just like Caleb knew he would. Everything he had been scared of happening since they first set foot in Nicodranas was happening, here and now, and all he could think as he gathered everyone together, as they fled into the streets - 

_ You will not touch them. _

He didn’t remember getting to the tower, didn’t remember entering it, he was too focused on looking around for a sign, but the Volstrucker wouldn’t let themselves be spotted, he knew that, so why was he even  _ trying _ \- 

And now there were people yelling, arguing, screaming, around him and he couldn’t take it because all he could think of was Trent’s face, his eyes alight with pride at Caleb’s actions (“I am worried I have become the very thing he thought I was” he had said. “Not yet” Beau had affirmed. Why didn’t he believe her?). And for the first time in the span of the scant few hours they’d spent in their brief freedom in this city, in front of everyone, Marion about to faint, Jester hugging her, Luc grinning like they were still playing a game, Yeza wide-eyed and terrified, Veth gripping her husband’s hand - for the first time, he said a sentence that was well and truly  _ his _ .

“You go. I’ll stay. Your safety in exchange for my obedience.”

It was such a simple solution, why hadn’t he thought of it before. He had been too much of a coward, too scared of Trent’s wrath, but he could take it. He had suffered through it all before, he had taken it all willingly, what was more of that? He could take anything the arch mage threw at him if it meant his friends would be safe.

If it meant his  _ family _ would be safe.

_ You will not touch them. _

There was a cacophony of protests, but it was Beau’s hand on his arm that snapped his attention out of his own thoughts of assured torture.

“You go with him, our next stop is a jailbreak.” She spoke it with a cocky smile, but he could see the fierce love behind her eyes. It was so beautiful, that love. Worth much more than the pride of an old man.

He would have done it, if it weren’t for them. But then again, they were what he would be doing it for. It was a paradox of logic that he didn’t quite have time to unravel, for they were moving, they were leaving, and he saw Beau shoot him one last smile, felt Veth squeeze his hand.

_ You will not touch them _ he thought, as the last thing he saw was Astrid’s face.  _ You will not touch them, because they will protect me as much as I protect them, and nothing you can do will change that. _

It was with that love that he spoke the final word on the scroll.

It was with that love that he finally realized things would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm all-made-of-stardust on Tumblr. Please come scream with me about Critical Role bc god knows I need someone else to share my hyperfixations with.


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